In the last few days I have felt a dissatisfaction creeping up on me at rushing from one thing to another but not achieving anything. In particular, not being able to engage in the amount of worship I would like, not being able to read as much Quran as I like or to study Arabic at all.
Slowly it dawned on me to let go, to stop worrying so much. I have been asking Allah (SWT) to place barakah (blessing) in my time and to help me do the important things that need to be done in my day. But apart from that I need to remember that Ramadan isn’t a race to do the most or to tick off your checklist, it’s about my relationship with Allah and with his Word and I want that relationship to be full of pleasure and sweetness. Panicking just isn’t going to get me there.
So I realise I have to accept the reality of my situation. My baby is nine months and needs my full attention; my other three crazy children are at an age when they keep me busy with clubs, activities and questions. My husband has a long hard day and deserves my care. Everything else: writing, my messy house, iftar parties, crafts, trying to find new recipes each evening – it can all wait. It’s the small stuff.
Perhaps one benefit I take from this first asharah is the lessons to be merciful to myself and my family as well as seeking Allah’s mercy insh’Allah.