International Women’s Day 2018

My office marked International Women’s Day 2018 with a series of talks by women discussing success, how they got to where they are today and how they balance the different parts of their life.  The conversations I am hearing around me are about gender parity, career progressions, self-belief and equal pay.  As a believer in fairness and justice all of these seem like noble things.

But when I think of International Women’s Day I think of my nan, a women I never met.  She died in childbirth when my mother was a little girl, her baby having died a few days earlier.  Maternal health and maternity care is a subject close to my heart, having been through seven pregnancies and having had five children.

Perhaps people don’t realise quite the impact that poor maternity care and the death of a mother can have on her family, her children and even the generations that come after.  My mother was never sent to school, no one bothered to send her, if her mother had been alive perhaps she would have fought for her daughter’s education in the way that her step mother ensured that her daughters went to school.  She married young and came to England where she was not always treated well by her in-laws.  Her illiteracy meant that she was isolated and in those days she could not always contact her family easily.  Her lack of a mother meant she was missing the strong advocate that could have fought her corner at such a testing time of her life.

Her illiteracy also meant that she was too intimidated to be involved in our school life and could not help with our school work, although later she pushed us all hard to get to university, even when my dad was against the idea for me.

Another impact on her of losing her mother at such a young age was that she never learned to show affection to her own children or to manage her own anger and pain in a reasonable way for most of her childhood.  It was only later as adults she started to hug and kiss us much to our absolute pleasure.  But it meant that for much of my early adulthood I was certainly a cold fish, being completely clueless about how to behave when friends hugged or showed me affection.

When my mum had her own children she missed out on all of the special care you receive from your mother following childbirth: the special food, the extra rest and care.  When it was my turn to have children, she simply didn’t know what was required of her, asking friends for advice that would have been passed down from her mother.

The point is that the influence of my nans death was felt through two more generations at least, perhaps more as I know I am still mitigating the effects of her death on my life.

People might complain that in the modern world there is no longer the need for feminism or International Women’s Day, but I would disagree.  Whilst there are places in the world that women cannot access decent healthcare or education, there is a need to keep pushing for progress.

Flashback

Alhamdulillah my brothers wedding last weekend was wonderful (pics and proper write-up in due course insh’Allah). There was one thing though that stopped me in my tracks though.

The imam presiding did a great job and made a lovely speech. What caught my attention though were his daughters; four little girls ranging from about six to twelve or so. Simply dressed, heads covered and very shy looking amongst all the glamour and noise, they were like a powerful flashback to my childhood.

My dad was a religious man alhamdulillah and insisted we cover our heads from our early teens. My parents were simple and despite my mum’s love of good clothing, she had no idea of fashion or the latest styles. They were also on a tight budget with the recession in the 80’s leaving them in a tight spot for some time.

I distinctly remember going to weddings and seeing all the girls looking super-stylish (to my then young eyes) and feeling out of place and wanting to hide under the table. At this wedding the tables were turned, we sisters and cousins were the show-stoppers (Kooky Little Sister with her blingy Oscar-dress getting ripped to shreds in various places!) and these little girls looked shy and modest.

Mash’Allah their humility and naivety touched something in me; it reminded me that a person should not forget their roots or origins. It made me think that they were better than us because they were still humble and gentle and Allah (SWT) loves both those things. I know those girls will one day be strong, confident, stylish Muslimah’s insh’Allah, but it’s nice that their simple, pious start in life will keep them grounded insh’Allah and one day perhaps remind them what is important in life.

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Keepsake Boxes

I finally got some time this morning to sort through my children's baby things I had saved as keepsakes. I only had the boxes below for now which are roomy but not very strong. Hopefully at some point I will get my hands on small wooden chests which I can decorate (butterflies and flowers for Little Lady, motorbikes for Little Man and maybe clubs for my little caveman).


We had so much fun looking through old things, the kids wanted to play with their baby toys again.

I have kept their baby announcement cards, greeting cards, school books and first toys. Even the crib card and bracelets from the hospital.

The yellow going-out outfit was from mum and the vest is absolutely tiny. I also kept each child's first pair of jeans. My mum bought the little trainers too and the trainer socks are so small, about one and a half inches long.

This is Little Lady's first party dress which I bought before she was born.

This is her first little kurta which she wore with jeans when i took her to visit my office before returning after maternity leave. The pink slippers are from her first trip to Pakistan and the black and white bangles are smaller versions of ones I had.

This outfit was for her second Eid (she was born a few days before her first Eid) and was sent by her Grandmother in Pakistan. I thought it was beautiful and a bit crazy to have so much delicate work on an outfit for a toddler, she did look gorgeous in it though.

With Little Man I had less things because I had a big bag with the newspapers from the day of his birth, his first clothes and all of his cards and hopital bits that I remember stashing behind a sofa never to see again much to my consternation.

The All-Star tee was from Kooks and the red tracksuit from my brother. We laughed every time he wore it and thought he looked hilarious, until Kooky photoshopped a picture of him wearing it by adding a big gold chain and a music system in the background.

I managed to find one of his announcement cards though and keep that. They were sent to friends and family with boxes of Indian sweets.

I came home from work one day to find Little Man wearing this claret and blue West Ham united strip. Most of my family support West Ham and a cousin had come round with the outfit for my husband to change him into. He may not support the Hammers when he is grown, but I am never going to let him live this one down. The white top is his first kurta and the green t-shirt was from Kooks, it says cutie pie on the front and has his name emblazoned on the back (she did the printing herself which was very sweet).

I still had Gorgeous' cards (the one on the front is from Long-Suffering Sister and has a real mini knitted sweater and is my favourite). The black beaded bracelets were from Pakistan. A cousin sent them because in Pakistan it is believed they help to protect from "nazar" or the evil eye.

Baby's jeans and jumper outfit is my fave, but like most of his clothes, he hardly got to wear them because he was such a big baby (9.2 lb). The vest was newborn size and fitted for about a week. The red and white outfit is the England strip from the time.

I had forgotten all about this. I can't even remember where it came from, a mini dishdasha. The slippers were from my mum and looked hilarious over his socks.

I am going to pack these up and stick them on top of a cupboard to add to now and again. Insh'Allah they will make nice gifts to bring out when my little ones get married one day or have little ones of their own.

My Favourite Uncle

When I was a little girl I lived in a big old house in Upton Park near the famous Green Street with my parents, grandparents and two uncles (Dad’s younger brothers). The younger of these two was a student, sporting the adidas bag and giant sunglasses of that time. He was also and still is my most favourite uncle and one of my best friends.

As the youngest he spent all of his time being told off by his older brothers and parents and managed to get through college barely in one piece (he was being bullied by a bunch of girls). He and his friends loved to take me out with them and I must have seen half of London, except I was too young to remember. I do remember him telling me to stand near the dirty pond in West Ham Park to take my picture, he kept telling me to step back a bit and next thing I knew I was in the pond.

He adored children and he spent most of his 20’s dragging me, my siblings and our cousins up and down Green Street and to the local park. I recall a park keeper at West Ham once asking him with incredulity: “Are ALL of ‘em your’n?” to which he replied “No, not even one”

What I remember him most for though is for coming home from work, having his dinner and then taking me to the sweet shop. He always bought me the giant Cadburies chocolate bar, an extravagance in those days and told me to finish it before we got in so my mum and the other kids didn’t see. The beginning of my life-long love affair with the choco-bean.

There’s a lesson in the way he behaved though. I think about him and it confirms my belief that Allah loves the meek and gentle and that for those who have sabr, there are rewards. Despite dropping out of college, being bullied left, right and centre and spending his life doing difficult jobs that don’t pay well, he is blessed with a beautiful, fiercely religious wife and the most beautiful children in our family (including his older daughter who is training to become an alima (scholar) before she goes to university and a very bright younger son due to begin hifz of Quran). What makes me really happy is seeing that his oldest son Dan is turning out just like him and my children are his biggest fans.