Saturday, 8 October 2016

The Real Muslim Mama's Manifesto

What a horrid morning. I woke up feeling so miserable today and spent the whole morning veering between rage and sadness, with everyone feeling the brunt of it. The house is still being refurbished and we are still living in two rooms. Everyone has colds and coughs and keeping everyone organised and with a routine seems like an uphill struggle. This morning I lay in bed for a long time with the sound of builders banging and sawing, Little Lady shushing everyone so that I could sleep and the door bell ringing every 5 minutes. For the life of me I could not think of why I should get up. I felt purposeless, pointless and utterly powerless this morning.

I kept telling myself the reason why we are here:

And I created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone) (Quran 51:56)

But this morning the words were not connecting, the anger kept pushing through and tears kept flowing. In the end I did the one thing I always do when I feel anxious or sad. I tried to move and do something. I believe that action of any kind is a powerful antidote to negative feelings. I started the task of getting breakfast served, getting bedding folded and mattresses put away and start organising and meeting the various people passing through my home during the morning. Throughout the morning, I continued to feel angry and sad. In the end I spent two hours cleaning so that my mind could be freed up to think and tried to think through what was making me feel like such a miserable train wreck.

By this time my family had had enough, my husband took the boys to the builders merchants to buy supplies, Little Lady went with my sisters to “The Cake & Bake Show” and Mum-in-Law got fed up of my moaning, donned her abayah and fled the house, to my mums house I suspect. It finally gave me some headspace to think and reflect instead of rage. It dawned on me that as ever a big part of the trouble was from the internal dialogues I have going on, some that I am barely aware of. 

I felt powerless despite being the strongest person in the house and having the most central role. I felt like my time was not my own despite no one telling me what to do. I felt like life was too short, that I didn’t know what to do and that it was just flying by. This despite being in a place and with a life that meant I could make choices and pursue avenues that are not available to most of the people in the world. It’s strange how we disable ourselves with the stories we spin to ourselves.

The thing for me to do was to take each one of those little internal conversations and turn a spotlight onto it. To decide if it was right or if it needed to be wiped clean and replaced with a more positive way of thinking. This systematic dismantling of my beliefs proved a massive eye opener and left me feeling empowered and as if a burden had been taken away from me. I think we all do this to ourselves, talk ourselves into a corner with doubts and negativity. I share the negative self-talk I had internalised here along with the positive response from myself, because I suspect this kind of thinking affects so many sisters:

Negative Self talk: You don’t need to find your purpose, your purpose is to worship Allah (SWT) and take care of your children and home; everything else is a worthless distraction. This is a first world problem anyway, think of all of the people starving and fleeing from war, they have much bigger problems to deal with.
Response: Every single one of us is born with a purpose, whether to take care of our homes raise the next generation or serve the world in a different way. With the right intention, every single one of these is a form of worship. Every single one of these can help and serve a world full of so much pain and suffering.

Negative self-talk: Your writing is just a distraction. Any action that distracts from your main duties is a waste of time. You won’t make any money from it, you will steal time from your family to do it.
Response: A balanced life requires you to honour and take care of all of the facets of your life: spiritual, family, self-care and development and your life’s work. If you neglect some areas and feel obliged to dedicate yourselves disproportionately to others, this will create resentment. You can’t give of yourself to others if you have let your own reserves run empty

Negative self-talk: I have no control over my time, it is all spent cooking and cleaning up after others, making sure they are taken care of and making sure everyone’s lives run smoothly. I and up doing what my mum-in-law wants, my husband wants or what my kids need to get done.
Response: Errrmm…don’t spend all of your time doing it then. As a mother I am a leader in my home. I can choose how best to spend my time and I can delegate activities to others too. I can choose to let my home get messy or do nothing if I want to. I can choose not to feel guilty and step aside from the anxiety that doing nothing creates. Besides your husband or mother in-law haven’t said a thing, stop imagining what they might be thinking and putting words in their head
Negative self-talk: Life is so short, you will never get to do all of the things you want to. The days fly by so quickly. By the time the kids are older you will be too old to enjoy things like travel anyway. What’s the point?
Response: Yes life feels short, but it has been a long journey getting to today. You may have another day, but you may have another years, only Allah (SWT) knows. But my job is to make each day count by waking early to do something I love, by serving others, by making as much of my life an act of worship as possible and by being mindful and conscious as much as I can each day. Besides half the joy in realising the wonderful things you want to do comes from the dreaming and planning. Then we can take the small steps each day towards our goals in the time and resources we have.

The Real Muslim Mama's Manifesto:

My time, focus, energy and money are mine to spend and invest as I see fit. These things are in my control. Others may have an opinion, which I will respect, but I will choose according to my own priorities.

All of the facets of life deserve to be honoured and attended to in order to live a fulfilling and balanced life: worship, marriage, parenting, self-care, self-development, health, rest, our creative life and yes, even pleasure. There I said it. We can own our pleasure, make time for it and refuse to feel guilty. This will leave us able to invest the time we do in marriage and parenting as healthier, happier people, perhaps even more interesting people. After all, if we don’t respect ourselves, why should those around us respect us?

I will treat worship as a source of connection to Allah (SWT), as an opportunity to recharge and reinvigorate myself. I will spend my life working to improve this worship. At the same time I recognise that worship comes in more than one form and for each of us the spiritual path is unique. Some of us are born to be da’ee (one who propagates the faith), some are naturally inclined to quiet worship and reflection during the night. Some of us serve and help our brothers and sisters and others still fight for the rights of the poor and vulnerable. We all have unique gifts and qualities that we can use to connect to our Creator, the key is to do so with sincerity and the best of intentions.

We will put aside our needs and wants to fulfil the rights others have over us: our parent’s spouse, neighbours and children. But we will be realistic about how far we can do this. We will not serve to the point we become ill or resentful. We will not give up our voice or dreams, but strive to find ways to balance our responsibilities with our needs. The care we mete out to others, we deserve to receive back also.

We will be realistic about our expectations of ourselves as parents and of our children. We will work to inspire those around us through our good example and passion for our faith. We will encourage the best of behaviour from our children but we will keep in mind that the world we live in is a very different place than the ones we or our parents grew up in. The expectations our parents back then will not hold today. The world is violent and oversexualised, we deal with being online and connected 24/7, information overload in soundbites that get shorter and shorter. Materialism and commercialisation is shoved in our children’s faces and the pressure on them to fit in and confirm is unbelievable. We will be their rock, anchor and refuge insh’Allah. We will learn to communicate with our children, to comfort them and teach them to be strong in their faith and values in a messed up world. We will teach them do the right thing when under pressure to do what everyone is doing. But we will also be firm and demand respect – we are mothers before friends.

We will not compare our children to others. We may pray for our children to be scholars or huffaz, or to be Doctors and engineers and work hard to encourage them, but we will accept that our children have their own purpose and journey and that it has nothing to do with anyone else. I have met enough sisters to understand that sometimes what looks like a perfect upbringing on the outside can belie the truth of a household: dysfunctional families, empty marriages, spoilt children, mental illness or domestic violence. Your child may not be born to be a scholar or Doctor, maybe Allah (SWT) wishes for them to live their lives beautifully in some way we have not envisaged. Maybe that perfect child is on the way to self-destruct. 

We will not compare our marriage to others: not to the perfect weddings, honeymoons or dinners that appear on our social media. Not to the siblings spouse who looks like a model or whose husband showers her with gifts. We are less than perfect, our spouses are less than perfect. We will work on taking care of each other, strengthening our communication and taking care of each other’s happiness. At the same time we deserve love, attention, kindness and understanding and it doesn’t hurt to receive a gift now and again, after all: Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Give each other gifts and you will love each other.” (al-Adab al-Mufrad 594). 

We will be diligent in fulfilling our duties to our Creator, our families and our communities to the best of our abilities. We will be sincere in our efforts. But we will not sacrifice our health and sanity: “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286). We will make time to rest, to dedicate to play as well as work. We will invest in our own development and find space for our creativity to flourish without feeling guilty. A mother who is happy and fulfilled benefits everyone and her development means her families development and growth.

Finally, as Muslimah’s we try to be humble, modest and disciplined in our lives. But this does not mean that we should be cold, bored or boring. It is in human nature to enjoy the company of friends, to enjoy romantic love and to take pleasure from beautiful things. We will make space for self-care, play and pleasure in ways that are balanced and halal and that make us happy to be alive and get up in the morning insh’Allah.

Sunday, 11 September 2016

Eid-al-Adha 2016/1437: Eid Mubarak

Eid Mubarak everyone.  Taqabbal Allahu Minna Wa Minkum (May Allah accept it from you and us).

I hope everyone had a happy, peaceful and blessed Eid insh'Allah.  

Hajj Mubarak to those lucky enough to be invited by Allah (SWT) to His sacred house this year.  I hope your dua's are accepted and that you attain a complete and accepted hajj insh'Allah.

Hajj 2016/1437: The Day of Arafat and the Last Sermon

I have posted this before, but the last sermon of our beloved Prophet (Sallahu Alaihi Wassalam), delivered on the 9th day of Hajj at the plain of Arafat, never fails to move me to tears. Every time I read it, I find something new in it and every time I read it, I marvel at the beauty, justice and sheer goodness in it.  I make dua that these words enter the hearts of all Muslims and that we all are blessed with the desire to implement with them.

“O People, lend me an attentive ear, for I know not whether after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore, listen to what I am saying to you very carefully and take these words to those who could not be present here today.

O People, just as you regard this month, this day, this city as Sacred, so regard the life and property of every Muslim as a sacred trust. Return the goods entrusted to you to their rightful owners. Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you. Remember that you will indeed meet your Lord, and that He will indeed reckon your deeds. God has forbidden you to take usury (interest), therefore all interest obligation shall henceforth be waived. Your capital, however, is yours to keep. You will neither inflict nor suffer any inequity. God has Judged that there shall be no interest, and that all the interest due to Abbas ibn Abd’al Muttalib shall henceforth be waived...

Beware of Satan, for the safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will ever be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of following him in small things.

O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under a trust from God and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers. And it is your right that they do not make friends with any one of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste.

O People, listen to me in earnest, worship God, perform your five daily prayers, fast during the month of Ramadan, and offer Zakat. Perform Hajj if you have the means.

All mankind is from Adam and Eve. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, nor does a non-Arab have any superiority over an Arab; white has no superiority over black, nor does a black have any superiority over white; [none have superiority over another] except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves.

Remember, one day you will appear before God and answer for your deeds. So beware, do not stray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.

O People, no prophet or apostle will come after me, and no new faith will be born. Reason well, therefore, O people, and understand words which I convey to you. I leave behind me two things, the Quran and my example, the Sunnah, and if you follow these you will never go astray.

All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and it may be that the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly. Be my witness, O God, that I have conveyed your message to your people.”

The beloved Prophet completed his Final Sermon, and upon it, near the summit of Arafat, the revelation came down:

“…This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My Grace upon you, and have chosen Islam for you as your religion…” (Quran 5:3)

My thoughts today are with my brothers and sisters in Arafat who will have spent the day with their arms raised in dua (supplication) and with hopes of their sins being forgiven. May Allah (SWT) accept their deeds and their dua's insh'Allah. Ameen.

The Prophet (Sallahu Alaihi Wassalam) said: "There is no day on which Allah frees more of His slaves from Fire than the Day of Arafat, and He verily draws near, then boasts of them before the angels, saying: ‘What do they seek?’” [ Hadith Muslim].

Friday, 9 September 2016

Enforced Minimalism

I have long been attracted by minimalism. It is one of my life goals to give away what I have and have next to nothing by the time I die. A nice thought, but in reality I find myself collecting all sorts of things: gifts, stationary, jewellery, craft supplies. Five children bring their own wealth of toys, clothing and school supplies. My mum-in-law visits every year, so keeps some of her stuff here and I still have bags and drawers of things other in-laws have left here. As time has gone by I have found myself feeling as if I am being buried under stuff and as if managing and tidying it takes up all of my time. Continuous attempts to declutter and dozens of bags dropped off to the charity shop or cargo’ed to family in Pakistan seem to have limited effect. My mum-in-law also dislikes waste and is adept at reusing and upcycling items, so I sometimes have to sneak things out to the charity shop before she spots them.

This week we started building work in our home to create bedrooms in our loft. Initially this was mostly external and we were supposed to carry on staying in the bedrooms. My husband decided he wanted to lower the ceilings of our bedroom and gave us a day to pack up all of the bedrooms so that the builders could bring down the ceilings the next day. This was the day before the kids were due to go back to school.

We spent the whole day and a good part of the night packing everything up. I gave the kids two boxes each, one for two weeks worth of clothes and the other for all of their school stuff.  I kept a box for my work clothing and one for the rest of my clothing. The babies got a box each too and one for Baby’s nappies. As we packed one wardrobe or drawer at a time, I took out items to send Pakistan and some for the charity shop, reducing what was left to what we genuinely used and wanted.

The eight of us are currently in the two rooms downstairs. We are sleeping on mattresses and in sleeping bags and I am being very strict about putting things back in our boxes as soon as we are done with them so that the kids don’t lose their school things. It might sound horrible, but in truth I have found it very cathartic and liberating to move most of our stuff into storage and it has been very freeing to have so much less to manage. I and hubby are both clear that we will not move it all back in after the work is finished. 

Our stuff:

My house with the roof off, you can see the stars and the dust flying around:

It sounds ungrateful to complain about having so much when so many have so little. That is not my intention. I feel incredibly blessed and sometimes in awe of the sheer amount that seems to come our way. Gifts from friends and family, freebies that my husband brings home because of his job, some of the amazing bargains we have found for next to nothing at boot fairs in the past, and the more we give away, share and gift, the more seems to come back. What comes to mind is being careful about what we buy, consume and hold on to.

I hope I can hold on to the principle of owning and buying less, giving away the best of what you have and not the junk you don’t want and not equating worth and value with material possessions.

I would love to hear from readers, are you a minimalist? How do you remain clutter free with children? Do you find that the modern world means you are surrounded by unnecessary things?

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: “Will you not listen? Will you not listen? Will you not listen? Verily simplicity is a part of Iman. Verily simplicity is a part of Iman. Verily simplicity is a part of Iman” (Abu Dawood).

You Said it Would Be Awesome

Little Man started secondary school this week. I have been fretting for days about getting his stuff together. His school is so strict that having a missing item of equipment means detention. We also missed his induction evening before the holidays where all of the information we needed was handed out to parents. It was during the last days of Ramadan and I was fatigued and preoccupied. So I have been worrying all through the holidays about what we missed. I could have asked for the pack during the holidays, but the invite was very stern about not missing the event and the head teacher is incredibly intimidating almost to the point of rudeness, so I avoided the issue like a wimp.

On his first morning, I dropped him off, gave him a little side hug (nothing too blatant) and told him he would be awesome. He looked suitably embarrassed. My sisters asked if I had caused a scene, or yelled at him across the car park that I loved him, or whether he had gone toilet. As if I would do such a thing…I left him as his friends from primary school gathered around to see who would be in the same classroom. 

I needn’t have worried. He came home and exclaimed “Mum you said it would be awesome and it was really awesome” I suspect this has more to do with the amount of junk food that is available in the canteen than anything else. Alhamdulillah I’m looking forward to being back in the school routines and rhythms and I am relieved he is settling in.

Picture of the Day 29.08.16 (part 2) – Rochester

The end of the kids holidays found us visiting the beautiful historic town of Rochester. We wanted to see the castle, but as the Cathedral is right opposite it, we decided to take a look inside it too.

Picture of the Day 29.08.16 – Late Summer Harvest

A recent trip to Hewitts Pick Your Own Farm yielded sweetcorn and beans. The plums are from my mums garden which has been ruined following building work at my parents house. My mum’s response is to clear up, dig everything up and lay the ground afresh for next year.

I have washed, chopped and frozen the beans in three portions. The first I cooked with chunky potatoes, the second will be with minced lamb and the third will be with a lamb curry insh’Allah.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Little Muslimah’s and the Teen Dream Life

I am debating whether to turn this post into a full on rant, but I think it’s sometimes more useful to be reflective than angry. We are more than half way through the holidays and the refrain of “we are bored” and “what do we do when you’re not at home” has been ongoing. I have made it clear that it is not my job to entertain anyone and that they must find things to do, although I have been taking them on day trips here and there.

The one thing that has been different this summer holiday has been the requests from Little Lady to be allowed to go out alone, to go to the park unsupervised with friends and to be allowed to hang out….

Up until LL has been so sensible and mature that I was happy to note that growing pains of teenage seemed to have passed us by completely. I was wrong, it lulled us into a false sense of security and then leapt us on fully fledged. Part of this was inevitable and it is only fair we get out share. I believe that there is a second cause also.

Earlier in the year, Little lady achieved good grades and did well in her mid-year tests. Because of this I gave her more freedom and allowed her access to the internet, which her brothers do not get freely. I think this might have been a mistake. She ended up watching back-to-back Vines and YouTube videos, all the time reassuring me that her homework was done. At the end of the year, at her parents consultation day I found her grades had dropped for both Islamic and mainstream subjects and her exam results were not as good, to the point that her teacher questioned if she should continue to study for the Alimah (scholars) course next year. I may or may not have overreacted…I did feel quite devastated. Having a child study to be an Alim (scholar) or Hafiz (Memoriser of the Quran) requires sacrifices. The least of these is financial, there is also the investment of time, attention, effort, changes to lifestyle. In addition there is the full attention on you as a parent of both those that disagree with your decision to put your child in Islamic child and those that wish you well and are considering the same for thier own child. This shouldn’t matter to me, but it is there all the same and people ask regularly about how LL is doing. So yes, I may have overreacted a little and gotten upset.

As a consequence, I have limited internet time and ask regularly what the children want to go online for. I have asked Little Lady to continue revision through the holidays and get herself up to a good level again. I have tried to focus on motivating her and reminding her why we went down the path of Alimah studies. Simultaneously I have this pulling away in a bid for more freedom. 

So is it fair to blame the internet, YouTube and Vines? No the responsibility lies ultimately with me as her parent and also with her to be respectful of my need to protect her even if she doesn’t agree with it. At the same time I think it is something we need to be aware of.

Many people won’t even be aware of what the Vine’s are. They are six-second-long looping video clips, often these are grouped together into a fast moving YouTube video. The Viners and YouTubers are a mixed bunch, but pretty much I am finding them to be focussed on gaming, beauty, life hacks for young people and humour. They seem to be self-aware, have a strong social conscious and revel in their youth and a sense of fun and play. The video’s my children like to watch (apart from the boring gamer ones my boys watch) are the ones where Viners and YouTubers play pranks on each other, gently make fun of their parents (look for “Brown Parents be Like…” videos for an example), undertake social experiments (reactions to hijab, reactions to homelessness) amongst other things. YouTubers and Viners are even the new equivalents of the boyband crushes for young girls.

In itself I don’t have a massive problem with these guys and what they do, although I do think the pranking is going too far in many cases. They seem less vacuous and more clued up than we were as kids. I think what concerns me is the subtle effect they have on children, well my kids anyway. Certainly my children have picked up the language. I heard Little Lady a few time start sentences with “Brown Parents be Like…”, before I asked her how I was a typical brown parents in any way before she stopped saying it. 

They also seem to be enamoured of the lifestyle – the fashion for instance for Van’s (from the “
Damn Daniel, back at it with the Van’s!” vine) and this strange trend of wearing very bright red trainers worn with everything. I am a bit annoyed with this, because bright red ballet pumps or heels with all black is one of my fave signature styles. Then there is the preoccupation with contouring, ombre nails, colouring your hair strange pastel or grey colours and the  re-emergence of the 90’s style, which I remember was completely hijab/modest dress unfriendly in the first place.

I think even that part doesn’t bother me. I think many of the Youtuber’s/Viners, even those that are very young, give the impression that they have a lot of freedom to travel, move around and try new things. Many of the most successful ones own their own homes and are seen spending all of their time hanging out with friends, going on road trips or attending big events. I think this creates an image of a lifestyle that becomes very attractive to young people, and this in part is causing Little Lady to bridle at the restrictions we have on her and is causing her to try and wrangle more freedom.

The Muslim equivalent of the Youtuber’s/Viners are hardly a real alternative, because the level of Islamic behaviour I am seeing is questionable and people still seem to be presenting these perfect lives, these amazing Instagram-friendly homes, and these perfect marriages or relationships which young girls aspire to. Anyone who has lived life will know that it is a learning curve, you improve through your mistakes. You build your relationships through humility, tears and forgiveness, not through banter and the perfect wedding. A life well lived is directly counter to a perfect home without any clutter. Your teens and your 20’s are your time to be confused, mess up and learn things the hard way. Your 30’s are your time to find yourself and become sure and confident. But youthfulness seems to be where it is all at and anything after 30 is about being relegated to the irrelevant Aunty brigade.

All of these things on their own are enough to deal with, but when we have tried really hard to impart religious values such as modest dress, respectful behaviour and respect for parents, it almost feels as if everything we are doing has been undermined. So after weeks of negotiating back and forth, my husband has put his foot down and said he doesn’t want her going out alone to the park or into town. There have been tears, sulks and moody silences. For once I have decided not to try and fix things and cheer people up but to give her space to think about what we have been saying.

It’s interesting how we try to manage one kind of influence (TV) and it gets replaced by another that is even more influential. I can’t see an end to this and I suspect we will be dancing around this issue for a long time, at least until she is old enough to have less supervision. One thing that comes to mind is the 
advice given at a talk I went to about establishing daily taleem in the house:

This is taking time to study Islam with your child every single day, even if for five minutes. There was encouragement for the children to be encouraged to take the lead or for everyone to get the chance to read a little. The speaker emphasised that there are so many routes of fitnah (evil) into our homes and the lives of our children, that there is no way we can stop them. Instead the daily taleem or study is the only way to counteract these. Books like Fazail-e-Amal (the Virtues of Good Deeds) and Fazail-e-Saadaqat (the Virtues of Charity) were given as good examples alongside books that described the sunnah (traditions) of our beloved Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam). The purpose is to inspire the members of the family and encourage them to learn and act on what they learn, so that rather than telling the children what to do, they are concerned for their own deeds e.g. reading salah on time. In our home examples would be books on knowledge (because Little Lady is studying to become a scholar), books on the virtues of Quran (because Little Man attends hifz, or memorisation class) and books on salah (because we are trying to get Gorgeous to pray and it is an uphill struggle). 

Accordingly I have started taleem in the house again which we have stopped and started in the past. I am encouraging Little Lady to take the lead. I am very mindful that this is just the start. My husband used to say that the Sahabah (Companions of the Prophet SAW) are our role models not footballers and actors, therefore we need to dress and act like the Sahabah (RA) (hence his decision to grow a beard at that time before it became fashionable). In the same way 15 year old YouTuber’s and Viners are not our role models and I will have to work hard to convince my children of this.

Dunstable Downs Kite Festival 2016

Last year we went to the Duntable Downs Kite Festival and loved it so much that this year we invited my family to join us there.

Dunstable Downs is designated a site of Special Scientific Interest because of its chalk grasslands and sits within the Chilterns Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.  It has wide open spaces and the day we went along was very windy, so it seems near enough perfect to fly a kite.

We had the kite from last year and three more that my husband picked up at a boot fair for under £5 (a butterfly, a diamond shaped kite and fish).

These are some of the kites from the people who put on professional displays:

This was our butterfly kite which went up beautifully:

There was plenty to do alongside flying our kites: a small funfair for children, pony rides, a marquee full off craft stalls.  We even saw people hang-gliding in the distance.

We brought a picnic and between us put on a good lunch: bagels, biryani, chicken wraps, pizza, chickpea chaat (salad) and pakora's.

Midway through eating a gentleman came up to us and told us we definitely had the best picnic he had seen that day!  My sister-in-law asked if he would like something, but he politely declined saying he was on a diet.

We spent the rest of the afternoon flying kites, trying to spot interesting kites other poeple had brought and exploring the nearby greenery

Before we left we treated ourselves to a few bits from the stalls:

You can imagine what the boys picked:

It was such a pleasant day out and one that I would heartily reccommend.  The people at the event were very nice and we felt completely comfortable.  All the open space was so soothing and hubby and I even got the bright idea of taking a walk alone, although in the end mostof kids followed us anyway.

There was a visitor centre with toilets and a canteen as well a shop which sold kites, so the event was very family friendly.  If you would like to take your children, these events go on throughout the year at different sites, you can check if there is one near you on the Kite Calender or The Kite Society's Event Calender.

Some of the pics are courtesy of Shutterbug Sister, you can see lots more here.

How to Make Friends and Influence People - Little Man Style

Little Man is due to start High School this September. I am amazed at how this milestone in his life has come around already and I have also been a little worried about how he is going to manage. Little Lady was always tough and vocal. Gorgeous is big and loud – everyone knows if he is not happy. Little Man in between is both physically slight and quiet. Probably not that quiet, but definitely in comparison to some of the other big gobs in our house. His new secondary school is very good alhamdulillah but also very big and full of tough kids (Little Lady spent a term there before going to Islamic School). I have visions of him being bullied or becoming very lost amongst so many children.

Watching him over the holidays has really helped assuage some of my fears though. There have been a few incidents where he has handled himself really well and shown how he can get on with people. A few weeks ago at the park, a much larger boy came over to him, immediately making me think he is a bully (my bad for judging, although Little Man had told me earlier that a boy had been threatening towards him). The boy had come over to ask about a mutual friend and once they got talking I realised he was from the school LM would be attending and they knew lots of boys in common from previous years that had moved from his primary school to the secondary. I was happy knowing he had a new friend at his school, especially one that looked so tough.

Yesterday on the way home from my office, we took the kids to the park. Little Man brought something called Fun Snaps with him. They are little twists of white paper with something like gun powder in them. You throw them on the floor and they make a loud bang. They are banned inside my house, because they also make a big mess. LM threw one on the floor and a little kid nearby freaked out – he was in awe because he had never seen such a thing. So LM explained what they were and poured him out a handful only for the boy to go into meltdown, jumping up and down, giving us all the thumbs up and yelling excitedly “You are my best friend!” You are my best friend!” This prompted LM to go back and give him the whole box. We could see him as we left, surrounded by his friends, testing out his snaps.

The little boy’s reaction made my day. I love people who are easily pleased or who are quick to show happiness or appreciation. But what made me happier was how LM had behaved and how easily he won this boy over. It reminded me of times he had done it before in different ways and it made me feel a lot easier about his move from being a big fish in a little pond at primary to being the little fish in a big lake at secondary

Friday, 22 July 2016

Turning a Miserable Day into a Great One

I had rather a miserable start to the day yesterday. I woke up with a nasty cough and to find that I had lost my voice completely (my husband asked if this meant that I had to stop talking and try listening instead). I got to work and decided to treat myself to a breakfast of latte, hash browns and toast, only to find that the hash browns were cold and cardboard like.  All of that I could have coped with, except, barely had the day started when I realised I had had a little accident… I got up from my desk to find that there was a pretty little pinkish design on the back of my brown abayah, I had managed to ruin my clothing like a careless teenager. This is something I am very paranoid about, but also super careful about, so I was horrified. I legged it to the bathroom and called my husband to come and rescue me. The poor man left his breakfast to come and get me and drive me home to get changed and drop me back to work again.

The funny thing is that almost no-one noticed I was wearing a different colour abayah and scarf (definitely black after that little incident). One of my colleagues had kindly covered for me, when I got back to my desk my manager even asked me how my meeting had gone.

With the heat, my cough and lost voice and the embarrassing incident, I decided to take my day in a different direction. I am a big believer in trying to make the most of each day and bringing a little bit of joy and pleasure into each day. I believe that we should work hard for the future goals that matter to us, but that the day to day journey towards those goals should be beautiful also.

So after I got home and got changed, I touched based with each of the children and my mum-in-law to ask how their day had been and to see how they were. I spent a little time putting the house back in order as I find this very soothing. Then I grabbed Little Lady and was back out of the door. We went shopping, I bought her some new dresses as she seems to outgrow things over night. I bought myself a lovely statement necklace which Little Lady has her eye on:

I bought a ton of ice-lollies and ice-creams for everyone (about 50). Everyone else seemed to have the same idea as there was a scrum by the freezers in the supermarket.

I got home and made everyone dinner (my friends the leftovers ). Then hubby and I went for a walk. It was one of those balmy evenings, where after a hot day, the evening had a beautiful cool breeze. Perfect walking weather. We always talk and catch-up and plan during our walks and I just love them. When we got back, he went out again with his mum and the kids to the park and for slushees. This meant that mum-in-law could take a walk too (at a slower pace) and the kids could get knackered out before bed time. It also meant that I and Little Lady could hang out together and enjoy the quiet for a little while.

By the end of the day, it just felt as if I had had a beautiful day and I felt so content alhamdulillah. Sometimes the smallest things make all of the difference. A change to your routine or a decision to give yourself a break and unshoulder some of your burden: letting the kids go to bed later, or ordering take-away instead of cooking. Treating yourself to something nice, enjoying a food you love or catching up with a good friend. At any given time, we can make the decision to change the trajectory of our day by taking steps to make a day that is not going well into a great one.

Who’s Body?

We are now two weeks out of Ramadan and well into summer. Most of Ramadan was characterised by cool, rainy days here in London, including some significant torrential rain and thunderstorms. It turned out to be quite a blessing during the long June days of fasting.

Now that we are out of Ramadan, London is finally getting it’s summer, with a mini heatwave and everyone melting in the heat. I wonder if I am the only one who has taken quite some time to get back into a normal routine. My body seemed to take such a long time to get back into the non-Ramadan sleeping and eating patterns that for the first two weeks I felt almost as if I had no control over it.

This has segued into a nice little cold I have picked up in the middle of summer which I treated by ignoring it, shouting over the noise at my Eid party and having lots of cold drinks out of the fridge. This has left me with no voice, which has been a source of hilarity for everyone both at home and work. As someone commented at work having no voice has not stopped me from continuing to try to talk to everyone.

The messed up sleep, no voice and bunged up head are quite strange in a heatwave. It’s like having a body and not much control over it – you talk but you have no command over your voice, you can’t think straight, you can’t stop falling asleep and you are so hot and sweaty that everything seems twice the effort.

The only thing to do is give up. Lie down in a shaded room, switch on the fan and let the babies jump up and down on you until the fog subsides a little. I always find the best antidote to heat is stillness. When I was a kid I read about an exercise that was designed to teach you how your mind can influence your body. This involved being still, closing your eyes and imagining yourself in a very cold, icy place and feeling the chill creep up your body from your toes. It works better sometimes than others.

The thing I do like when it is very hot, is when people look at my scarf and abayah and ask “aren’t you hot?”. I always reply “Cool is a state of mind”. I love the look of confusion I get in return! 

Today is a bit cooler and I am getting my voice back, although still not giving it much of a rest. I am back to normal sleep patterns and not eating during Ramadan means I am now finding it easier to manage my eating and have smaller portions as well as say no to junk food. I have gone back to walking again which I cut down in Ramadan and stopped in the post-Ramadan Eid busyness, although it doesn’t feel as easy as before. Alhamdulillah it’s good to get a reminder every now and again that your body is a trust from Allah (SWT) and that our ability to control it is a blessing and a gift that can be taken away at any time.