Tuesday 4 April 2017

Mean Little Words

There are many things I love about my first born (Little Lady). Even though she is grumpy, impatient and rolls her eye so much I am surprised they haven’t flown off of her head (she will tell me off if she read this and accuse me of back biting her). There are still so many qualities I love in her: her courage (she is very brave like her dad and unlike me), she refuses to ever back bite, she is ambitious, and she is very capable – whether changing nappies, studying for exams or marching little sisters back to bed. Best of all, she is very straightforward – she will always give me a blunt and decisive answer.

Whenever something is bothering me and I cannot get to the bottom of it – a rude comment, unkind or unexpected behaviour, someone being a bit “off”, she is becoming my go to person. She thinks I see the world through rose tinted glasses and that I deal with people too gently. This week someone made an unkind comment about my weight. I usually would have let it go, but it was someone I respect and it was said in a very blunt manner. It left me feeling very small and ashamed. I mulled over it and wondered if it was in carelessness and decided to forget about it. But I could not let it go. So that evening, I asked Little Lady what she thought.

Did she wonder? Did she question? Did she have any ambiguities? Her response was:

”Mum - no one is that stupid, she obviously did it on purpose. Just pick the three worst things about her and roast her good”

It just cleared the whole thing in my head. I could draw a line under it and decide not to bother with that person. I probably won’t roast them (LL speak for insult them till they cry). I did make me feel a bit depressed about my weight for a few days. It made me think about how a few words or a sentence can have such a big impact. It made me wonder if I had said things that had that impact on others unknowingly.

It also served as a reminder I need to be a bit braver about challenging things that make me feel bad. I am careful not to say or do things that hurt others and I do not deserve the same back. Maybe in future somebody will get roasted :) 

Abu Hurayrah relates that Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak a good word or remain silent. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his neighbour. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his guest.” (Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim).


  1. That was an not a nice thing for LL to say... i didnt expect that of her. Why should we stoop down to the level of others? Our deen does not teach us that. She should have been corrected as she is at that stage where she will retain what she learns now. Try not to seek advice from your teenager daughters.. its not a wise thing that mothers end up doing, no matter how tempting. Rather talk to ALLAH first then an adult friend/ family member who can give you sound advise based on the Sunnah and not based it on emotions.

    1. I showed your comment to my daughter and her response had me in fits of laughter. She is very, very fierce and mildly exploded. I am quite cowardly, so I do not know where she gets it from (except my husband is very courageous and grandfather was very fierce and brave).

      My daughter is very sensible. Despite my efforts to protect my children from the worst things in the world, she is much more mature and sensible than I was at her age and moreso than many adults. I will always be happy to get a second opinion from her. Although the first place I go to seek advice is my husband who is strongly guided by his deen or my mother-in-law who is a very practical woman, we have made it habit that everyone in our family is involved in decision making – the concept of ashurah, or mutual consultation.

  2. @Anonymous, my beloved brother/sister, let us not judge a little girl, she is a teenager, and that's how teenagers are. We shouldnt be so harsh towards others.

    I understand where you're coming from, but most people dont vent to friends or other religious adults about little things. There are some things that are too personal or uncomfortable to share. That's why we vent to family members. And I personally can say from experience, most religious people act judgemental and look down on others when venting, saying "youre too sensitive." or look down upon us or say maybe that person who said such and such to you is right.

    Certain situations require rahmat and hikmat that's why we go to our family members and those that know and love us for guidance. Every matter should go to the right place-religious matters to religious folks, personal problems to friends, and things we just cant discuss with others-to family.

    I say this in the most kindest way brother/sister. I agree with talking to ALLAH s.w.t as well, but sometimes we need someone to just give us advice right away.

    1. Jazakh'Allah sister for your understanding. I would never have "roasted" the person, it is just not in my nature, but I think the point is, is that there is value sometimes in turning around and addressing the person - perhaps saying that your words hurt.

  3. @HMM, my mom vents to us all the time, its completely normal, all mothers and daughters vent to one another. And I think LL responded in the way that someone her age would, obviously as an adult you wouldnnt roast anyone or put anyone down. But, now you know better about who to trust and open up to and who not to. I dont think you did anything wrong.

    1. I never had that relationship with my mum, I held everything in throughout my childhood and teens until I married. Alhamdulillah, my husband I could finally share everything with.
      I am very open with my children, which has made them very confident in addressing people and expressing how they feel. I hope my family always feel safe venting to me insh'Allah