It's not even 10am and I have argued, cried and pushed myself as far as I can go.
I woke and was so tired to the bone that I could barely move, it took about half an hour to stop feeling like I was going to drop.
I had to go at 7am to get bread for the kids packed lunches.
I had to go at 7:30 to queue up outside the Dr's surgery which opens at 8am , to get an appointment for my mum-in-law and daughter. I couldn't believe the queue outside already, including a poor woman that looked about 85.
I got an appointment for mum-in-law in the one and only slot they were offering on the day I had taken off to take my daughter to her high-school taster day, so will have to drop her off a mile and a half away and then come back to take mum in law to the Dr about half a mile in the opposite direction. I'll then have to drop her home and go back to pick Little Lady up for midday and take her back to her normal school.
There was no appointment for Little Lady, so I picked a fight and got promised a call from the Dr, if I get one I have to go and get her from school and go to see the Dr straight away
I had to get back to home in time to get the kids to school and found them all sitting around not having had breakfast with 10 minutes left to leave.
I was fed up I just yelled at them to eat something, anything and get out the door - of course the boys headed straight for the chocolate spread.
I headed upstairs, shut the door and just sobbed for ten minutes.
I begged an pleaded and fought with Allah (SWT) for some strength, some ease, some comfort, some relief.
But I am literally exhausted to my bones.
I am fed up with how much I have to do alone
I am fed up with going from bus to three trains and back again every day for an hour each way for an office which is barely five miles away.
I am fed up with coming home and then having to listen to complaints about the children - and having to discipline so long after whatever they did - which I don't see the point of.
I'm fed up of cooking when I don't want to eat what I have cooked and when no matter what you cook, there is always someone who won't eat that particular thing (because they get gas, or it's too spicy, or it's vegetarian, or it's meat - Allah help me!)
I'm fed up with cleaning and tidying and organising and the house still looking grubby because so much maintenance needs doing and the kids like to follow behind making a mess again.
I'm fed up with always having to watch my money and be frugal and feel guilty for days on end for spending on myself when I earned my money.
I'm fed up with constantly watching the clock for this appointment or that deadline and trying to be at two places at once.
Much as I love them, I am fed up with my irresponsible, self-centred, lazy, thoughtless family, who seem to think that someone else will always get the thing that needs doing done.
I am fed up of worrying and about and trying to manage the physical and mental health and diets and needs of others when they will not take responsibility for themselves.
I am tired of caring for so many others with no one to care of me.
I am tired of spending inordinate amounts of money and time on cooking for my family, only to be told by everyone that my kids are too skinny (cause for Asian mum's fat kid = good mum).
I am fed up of being told by sisters from the masjid that I should not work as Allah (SWT) will provide at the same time as my bills have shot up and I have another baby on the way.
I am fed up of always feeling like I need to do more hours and take shorter lunches at work despite being ahead of my work and having to ask for more to keep occupied. Because sometimes it's how late you show your face and not how productively you use your time.
I am fed up of doing a job that has de-skilled me and which I don't see the point of a lot of the time when I yearn to do something meaningful and challenging.
I am tired of being in an office which is too hot and which leaves me with swollen hands and feet, soaked to the skin, watching the clock and a feeling of panicky despair to just get out.
I am fed up of a body that will not listen, which cannot keep up and which hurts somewhere or other all the flipping time.
I am fed up of praying in constant discomfort and still feeling as if my prayers are a mess lacking concentration, devotion and even the right number of rakaats because half the time I am too tired and brain-dead to know what I am doing.
I am fed up of having my emotions controlled by hormones and crying or getting angry for the stupidest thing.
I know that this is not how a Muslimah should think or behave.
I have been trying to count my blessings all morning - letting Darling's sweet face soothe me
I am grateful for the plenty that Allah (SWT) has given me, more than I can ever imagine or deserve
I know that Allah (SWT) does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear and he test us when he loves us, that this is the time I should feel his closeness and love for me.
I know that there are so many whose love, friendship, prayers and good wishes are behind me, more than I even know.
I know that I am blessed that my husband is treading the path of Allah (SWT) doing dawah work and creating our akhirah (afterlife).
I have argued, begged and pleaded with Allah and asked him to let me be strong and graceful in difficulty, or at least to be able to drop my kids off without red eyes and a red nose.
But today I am DONE.
Today I will not care what anyone says or thinks and anyone that comes near me will get a very blunt and truthful side of me.
Today I will not worry about the bank account, what I am wearing, the state of my prayers, or my house or my wardrobe, my children's weight or education, or the number of classes or playgroups they are not going to. Today I am not going to cook, clean, do laundry or pick up after people.
Today I am not going to be positive, graceful in adversity, humble or kind.
I'm going to let myself be grumpy, argumentative and stubborn as I want.
Today I am going to get take-away, buy myself some new shoes a size bigger, read, watch a dumb movie, ignore people's advice and ignore everyone's moaning and complaints.
Today hubby is just better off in Germany.
Tomorrow is likely the first day of Ramadan, I will make new intentions, renew my efforts at my prayers and carry on trying my best insh'Allah. I will be positive and grateful to Allah (SWT) for my situation and see all of the good in it. I will look forward to my day, make plans and be as productive as I can.
But today I am so done.
“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him.Allah will grant after hardship, ease.” ~ Quran 65:7
“Surely with every difficulty there is relief.
Surely with every difficulty there is relief.” ~ Quran 94:5-6
“When Allah has previously decreed for a servant a rank which he has not attained by his action, he afflicts him in his body, or his property or his children.”~ Abu Dawud
”There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that there is decreed for him by Allah (something) good or his sins are obliterated.” ~ Sahih Muslim
And there has to be a group of people from among you who call towards good and prevent from evil. ~ Quran 3:104
"0 Muslims! you are the best of peoples, who have been selected for the guidance of mankind; you
enjoin them to do good deeds, and prevent them from forbidden things; and you have firm faith in
Allah."~ Quran 10:104
Aa-ishah (Radhiyallaho anha) says: "Once the Holy Prophet (Sallallaho alaihe wasallam)
entered the house and I guessed from his face that something of great importance had happened to
him. He did not talk to anyone, and after making wudhu (ablution) he entered the mosque. I stood
behind the wall to hear what he said. He sat at the pulpit and after praising 'Allah, he said, "0
Muslims! Allah has commanded you to call people to good deeds, and prevent them from committing
sins; otherwise a time will come when you will pray to Him, but He will not listen to you; you will ask
your needs of Him, but He will not grant them; you will demand His help against your enemies, but He
will not help you." After saying this, he came down from the pulpit."