Friday 27 June 2014

All Done

Today I am done.
It's not even 10am and I have argued, cried and pushed myself as far as I can go.
I woke and was so tired to the bone that I could barely move, it took about half an hour to stop feeling like I was going to drop.
I had to go at 7am to get bread for the kids packed lunches.
I had to go at 7:30 to queue up outside the Dr's surgery which opens at 8am , to get an appointment for my mum-in-law and daughter.  I couldn't believe the queue outside already, including a poor woman that looked about 85.
I got an appointment for mum-in-law in the one and only slot they were offering on the day I had taken off to take my daughter to her high-school taster day, so will have to drop her off a mile and a half away and then come back to take mum in law to the Dr about half a mile in the opposite direction.  I'll then have to drop her home and go back to pick Little Lady up for midday and take her back to her normal school.
There was no appointment for Little Lady, so I picked a fight and got promised a call from the Dr, if I get one I have to go and get her from school and go to see the Dr straight away
I had to get back to home in time to get the kids to school and found them all sitting around not having had breakfast with 10 minutes left to leave.

I was fed up I just yelled at them to eat something, anything and get out the door - of course the boys headed straight for the chocolate spread.
I headed upstairs, shut the door and just sobbed for ten minutes.
I begged an pleaded and fought with Allah (SWT) for some strength, some ease, some comfort, some relief.

But I am literally exhausted to my bones.
I am fed up with how much I have to do alone
I am fed up with going from bus to three trains and back again every day for an hour each way for an office which is barely five miles away.
I am fed up with coming home and then having to listen to complaints about the children - and having to discipline so long after whatever they did - which I don't see the point of.
I'm fed up of cooking when I don't want to eat what I have cooked and when no matter what you cook, there is always someone who won't eat that particular thing (because they get gas, or it's too spicy, or it's vegetarian, or it's meat - Allah help me!)
I'm fed up with cleaning and tidying and organising and the house still looking grubby because so much maintenance needs doing and the kids like to follow behind making a mess again.
I'm fed up with always having to watch my money and be frugal and feel guilty for days on end for spending on myself when I earned my money.
I'm fed up with constantly watching the clock for this appointment or that deadline and trying to be at two places at once.
Much as I love them, I am fed up with my irresponsible, self-centred, lazy, thoughtless family, who seem to think that someone else will always get the thing that needs doing done.
I am fed up of worrying and about and trying to manage the physical and mental health and diets and needs of others when they will not take responsibility for themselves.
I am tired of caring for so many others with no one to care of me.
I am tired of spending inordinate amounts of money and time on cooking for my family, only to be told by everyone that my kids are too skinny (cause for Asian mum's fat kid = good mum).
I am fed up of being told by sisters from the masjid that I should not work as Allah (SWT) will provide at the same time as my bills have shot up and I have another baby on the way.
I am fed up of always feeling like I need to do more hours and take shorter lunches at work despite being ahead of my work and having to ask for more to keep occupied.  Because sometimes it's how late you show your face and not how productively you use your time.
I am fed up of doing a job that has de-skilled me and which I don't see the point of a lot of the time when I yearn to do something meaningful and challenging.
I am tired of being in an office which is too hot and which leaves me with swollen hands and feet, soaked to the skin, watching the clock and a feeling of panicky despair to just get out.
I am fed up of a body that will not listen, which cannot keep up and which hurts somewhere or other all the flipping time.
I am fed up of praying in constant discomfort and still feeling as if my prayers are a mess lacking concentration, devotion and even the right number of rakaats because half the time I am too tired and brain-dead to know what I am doing.
I am fed up of having my emotions controlled by hormones and crying or getting angry for the stupidest thing.

I know that this is not how a Muslimah should think or behave.
I have been trying to count my blessings all morning - letting Darling's sweet face soothe me
I am grateful for the plenty that Allah (SWT) has given me, more than I can ever imagine or deserve
I know that Allah (SWT) does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear and he test us when he loves us, that this is the time I should feel his closeness and love for me.
I know that there are so many whose love, friendship, prayers and good wishes are behind me, more than I even know.
I know that I am blessed that my husband is treading the path of Allah (SWT) doing dawah work and creating our akhirah (afterlife).
I have argued, begged and pleaded with Allah and asked him to let me be strong and graceful in difficulty, or at least to be able to drop my kids off without red eyes and a red nose.

But today I am DONE.  
Today I will not care what anyone says or thinks and anyone that comes near me will get a very blunt and truthful side of me.
Today I will not worry about the bank account, what I am wearing, the state of my prayers, or my house or my wardrobe, my children's weight or education, or the number of classes or playgroups they are not going to.  Today I am not going to cook, clean, do laundry or pick up after people.
Today I am not going to be positive, graceful in adversity, humble or kind.
I'm going to let myself be grumpy, argumentative and stubborn as I want.
Today I am going to get take-away, buy myself some new shoes a size bigger, read, watch a dumb movie, ignore people's advice and ignore everyone's moaning and complaints.

Today hubby is just better off in Germany.

Tomorrow is likely the first day of Ramadan, I will make new intentions, renew my efforts at my prayers and carry on trying my best insh'Allah.  I will be positive and grateful to Allah (SWT) for my situation and see all of the good in it.   I will look forward to my day, make plans and be as productive as I can.

But today I am so done.

“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him.
Allah will grant after hardship, ease.” ~ Quran 65:7

“Surely with every difficulty there is relief.
Surely with every difficulty there is relief.” ~ Quran 94:5-6

“When Allah has previously decreed for a servant a rank which he has not attained by his action, he afflicts him in his body, or his property or his children.”~ Abu Dawud

”There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that there is decreed for him by Allah (something) good or his sins are obliterated.” ~ Sahih Muslim

And there has to be a group of people from among you who call towards good and prevent from evil. ~ Quran 3:104

"0 Muslims! you are the best of peoples, who have been selected for the guidance of mankind; you 
enjoin them to do good deeds, and prevent them from forbidden things; and you have firm faith in 
~ Quran 10:104

Aa-ishah (Radhiyallaho anha) says: "Once the Holy Prophet (Sallallaho alaihe wasallam) 
entered the house and I guessed from his face that something of great importance had happened to 
him. He did not talk to anyone, and after making wudhu (ablution) he entered the mosque. I stood 
behind the wall to hear what he said. He sat at the pulpit and after praising 'Allah, he said, "0 
Muslims! Allah has commanded you to call people to good deeds, and prevent them from committing 
sins; otherwise a time will come when you will pray to Him, but He will not listen to you; you will ask 
your needs of Him, but He will not grant them; you will demand His help against your enemies, but He 
will not help you." After saying this, he came down from the pulpit."


  1. Anonymous27 June, 2014

    "Today I am going to get take-away, buy myself some new shoes a size bigger, read, watch a dumb movie, ignore people's advice and ignore everyone's moaning and complaints."
    Salam, some days, sister, we just need days like that... more likely when pregnant!
    don't worry, tomorrow will be better inchaAllah and tonight you'll feel ready and grateful for Ramadan.
    We mother are doing a lot, and is it recognized by Allah subhanata 'ala.

  2. Anonymous27 June, 2014

    I know someone in a similar situation as yours and I don't really know what to say. Everything I hear around me sounds so Dickensian (truly going through difficult times) I just wish things were better for everybody, especially my sisters in Islam. I will make dua for everyone I can today.

  3. Anonymous27 June, 2014

    may Allah make things easy for you *hugs* :)

  4. Anonymous27 June, 2014

    May Allah bless you and ease your situation Sister! I keel you in my duas inshaAllah.

  5. Salaam sis,

    Sorry to hear you're having one of those days. I emailed you last week and mentioned I live near, so please do let me know if there's anything I can do!


  6. Anonymous28 June, 2014

    seems that you are trying to do too much!!

    I find that south asian culture places too much stress on women

  7. Salam,
    I can so relate to what you say, and my thoughts are with you! Always wondeed how you do all the things you do... plus going to work! I have only one child plus the housework and cooking and my job, and it's really enough to drive me mad most days! Sending you a big hug and strength from Germany. Have a blessed Ramadan!

  8. Anonymous28 June, 2014

    Dear sister,

    With hardship there will be ease inshallah. May Allah keep you strong. Correction...We plead with Allah and never argue.....This IS the time for your husband to be back from Germany.
    I hope you remain, as always, the happy muslim mama.

  9. Anonymous28 June, 2014

    I came across your blog years ago, and then I stopped. Now today I decided to search out for some Ramadan crafts as the guilty mother in me thinks I ought to. A quick search on google for Ramadan journal brought me to you and I clicked on your last post and read this. I don't know what to say but you certainly made ME feel better. All the get organised articles and posts other sisters are posting away pre-Ramadan has left me so tired... I've cleaned the garden, tried to blitz the house, tried to finish working etc etc but here I am feeling despondent. I don't know how I can help but what I can do for you is to make sincere duah for you. That Allah makes it easy for you in every way whatsoever, ameen. I think it's best if you try to enlist some paid help if need be and stop feeling guilty about things - the kids will be fine and trust me, I so know what you mean about the cooking. I don't know what your current situation is, as in who is living with you, where your husband is, i'll come back when I can inshaAllah. Ramadan Mubarak sis xx

  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. Salaam Sis,
    Sending you lots of hugs and duas. Have faith that Allah (S.W.T) will make things easier for you this Ramadan. Ameen. And hugs again!

  12. Anonymous28 June, 2014

    May Allaah s make matters easy for you. Have been following your blog for some time and have derived much inspiration. love your style of writing. I can understand how hard you have it, your such an inspirational women and sister. I feel shy, but just to point out one thing my dear sister, i hope you dont mind: We cant fight with Allaah [s], though we can complain in the sense ask him for better circumstances. I'm sure you didnt mean it like that any way. Keep up your articles, and creativity :)

  13. Anonymous28 June, 2014

    alhumdulillah sister, today is the first time you have written a really human blog post and not your usual perfect happy family posts - a woman cannot do everything alone. i hope your husband read your post and rushes back home to you to help you soon. may allah (swt) grant you ease but believe me, you still have it better off than many. ramadhan mubarak from your sister in islam. :)

  14. Anonymous28 June, 2014

    Go easy on yourself sis! So many of us are in your situation, working and coping with the pressures of raising kids. May Allah give us the strength to endure hardships and the patience to ignore unhelpful comments from others. Ramadan Mubarak may this month bring ease and peace to us all.

  15. Anonymous28 June, 2014

    To the anon poster who said: "today is the first time you have written a really human blog post and not your usual perfect happy family posts - a woman cannot do everything alone."

    This comment shows mean-spiritedness and jealousy. Was it really worth it?
    God help you.

    1. Anonymous30 June, 2014

      Dear sister, let's not judge others it is Ramadan after all. If the blog author felt anon's comment was inappropriate (which i felt was not, as you have just taken the sentence out of context), it would have been removed. We sisters should support each others and share our bad moments too so that we all don't feel alone in the duniya. May Allah (swt) help us all. Ameen.

  16. Anonymous29 June, 2014

    Salaam sister, even though I don't know you personally I love you as my sister in Islam. Don't be hard on yourself you are only human. Your blog always shows that you are someone with a high level of emaan who MashaAllah is happy and supportive of her husband and family. I ask Allah to bless your family, ease your hardship and reward you with all that's good in dunya and Akhira, Ameen. I can relate to a lot of what you're going through and know that you will come through this InshaAllah because you are patient and have faith in Allah's plans for you. Hope you are feeling better already. Hugs from a sister in Islam x

  17. Anonymous30 June, 2014

    Oh sister, consider it a compliment that people say your kids are skinny. ;) On a side note, women are always doing too much and then expected to lead perfect lives...there is always pressure whether you are single or married. I do not know what I can say to help you but I hope you take some time to yourself to feel re-energized Inshallah!

  18. Like I've commented before, I don't think you realize how much you are actually doing - and having one bad day like this is nothing!! I've always been in awe of you, you manage 4 kids, a pregnancy, a mother in law, an entire house and garden, a job, visits to extended family, along with your prayers and regular activities - all this by yourself. You are superwoman!! I hope you are feeling better now. We need a day like this in between to just sort of wash away a lot of frustration and anger and emerge clearer on the other side. Ramadan Kareem to you and your lovely family!

  19. Anonymous30 June, 2014

    To the sister who used the word "jealousy" in her comment, please use only kind words as nobody here means any harm to "happy muslim mamma". A woman does need a man to help her and there is nothing wrong with that as Allah (swt) created us in pairs to support each other. May Allah (swt) guide you too.