I’m resting at the moment after a short stay in hospital. I don’t thank I have ever felt so grateful for just feeling fairly normal.
I had thought that I was pregnant (sickness, exhaustion and three positive pregnancy tests seemed rather good indicators) with all the ensuing chaos that this caused: the fear of being sick for nine whole months again, the exhaustion, the fear of turning into a heifer again, absolute horror at the thought of having to work through another pregnancy, the thought of another painful labour. But then there was also the exhilarating thought of holding a tiny one in my arms again, maybe giving Little Lady the little sister she so craves and hubby the baby daughter he would so love to have. It also meant an end to the ridiculous underlying guilt I feel that I am not having any more children.
What I wasn’t suspecting was the severity of the sickness. I think the last three months have been the hardest of my life. I haven’t been able to take care of my children or my home properly, to pray with any sense of calm or concentration or to get through a day of work without feeling like a mess. It got worse and worse until I was going for two days at a time without keeping any food down, stopped going to work and felt as miserable, weak, and useless as I ever have.
My mother-in-law has been an angel during this time, cooking, doing laundry and taking care of the kids. Likewise my husband has proved to be my rock once again with his patience, care and concern which was far more than I deserve and much more than many better women get alhamdulillah.
The other thing that has kept me going has been books, these have helped to remove me from my existing unbearable state and take me somewhere far away from my desperate, depressed self. In the meantime I was unable to maintain any interest in my home, my hobbies, my blog or my work and not being able to take care of the kids was absolutely mortifying.
Eventually, after various complications which led to two trips to emergency, I finally got the diagnosis that I was not pregnant after all, but had an extremely rare illness which was giving me all the symptoms of pregnancy, one indicator was that the nausea it causes is much greater than in a normal pregnancy.
I went into hospital yesterday for the necessary surgery and treatment and alhamdulillah woke up with the nausea reduced. During the day it reduced further and I was discharged with a big pack of my fave happy-pills – co-codamol. My hyper sense of smell is starting to calm down, the nausea is almost gone, I can taste some things again and I am starting to feel like myself albeit weaker and rather sore. I have lost a lot of weight, which I had planned to do this year, but maybe not so suddenly it left me with shaky legs. Best of all I feel like myself again. I am rearing to get going with civilizing my kids once more (i.e. dinner and bed time moving back from 9pm and 10.30pm to 7.00pm and 8.30pm respectively for one), making inroads at work, enjoying my cards, jewellery, blog, kitchen and garden once more. More than anything, organizing my house which looks like a tornado hit it. Thankfully the doctor has given me a note to take one week off work and my manager is happy with that. So I am going to rest for a few days and learn to savour the small things I have missed (keeping water down, being able to walk without feeling dopey, enjoying fruit), just enjoy not being severely nauseous and most of all thank Allah (SWT). One of the things that got me through this period has been Allah’s promise that:
“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him.
Allah will grant after hardship, ease.” ~ Al- Quran 65:7
“Surely with every difficulty there is relief.
Surely with every difficulty there is relief.” ~ Al- Quran 94:5-6
So I am back to being a mum-of-three and it looks like it will stay that way. I am never, ever getting pregnant, I could not stomach feeling like this again and now I have every reason not to ever feel guilty about this decision…although I will miss holding a tiny new one in my arms one more time. I suppose I will just have to coddle Gorgeous like crazy.
“When Allah has previously decreed for a servant a rank which he has not attained by his action, he afflicts him in his body, or his property or his children.”~ Abu Dawud
”There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that there is decreed for him by Allah (something) good or his sins are obliterated.” ~ Sahih Muslim