Thursday 30 April 2009

Surely With Every Difficulty There Is Relief

I’m resting at the moment after a short stay in hospital. I don’t thank I have ever felt so grateful for just feeling fairly normal.

I had thought that I was pregnant (sickness, exhaustion and three positive pregnancy tests seemed rather good indicators) with all the ensuing chaos that this caused: the fear of being sick for nine whole months again, the exhaustion, the fear of turning into a heifer again, absolute horror at the thought of having to work through another pregnancy, the thought of another painful labour. But then there was also the exhilarating thought of holding a tiny one in my arms again, maybe giving Little Lady the little sister she so craves and hubby the baby daughter he would so love to have. It also meant an end to the ridiculous underlying guilt I feel that I am not having any more children.

What I wasn’t suspecting was the severity of the sickness. I think the last three months have been the hardest of my life. I haven’t been able to take care of my children or my home properly, to pray with any sense of calm or concentration or to get through a day of work without feeling like a mess. It got worse and worse until I was going for two days at a time without keeping any food down, stopped going to work and felt as miserable, weak, and useless as I ever have.

My mother-in-law has been an angel during this time, cooking, doing laundry and taking care of the kids. Likewise my husband has proved to be my rock once again with his patience, care and concern which was far more than I deserve and much more than many better women get alhamdulillah.

The other thing that has kept me going has been books, these have helped to remove me from my existing unbearable state and take me somewhere far away from my desperate, depressed self. In the meantime I was unable to maintain any interest in my home, my hobbies, my blog or my work and not being able to take care of the kids was absolutely mortifying.

Eventually, after various complications which led to two trips to emergency, I finally got the diagnosis that I was not pregnant after all, but had an extremely rare illness which was giving me all the symptoms of pregnancy, one indicator was that the nausea it causes is much greater than in a normal pregnancy.

I went into hospital yesterday for the necessary surgery and treatment and alhamdulillah woke up with the nausea reduced. During the day it reduced further and I was discharged with a big pack of my fave happy-pills – co-codamol. My hyper sense of smell is starting to calm down, the nausea is almost gone, I can taste some things again and I am starting to feel like myself albeit weaker and rather sore. I have lost a lot of weight, which I had planned to do this year, but maybe not so suddenly it left me with shaky legs. Best of all I feel like myself again. I am rearing to get going with civilizing my kids once more (i.e. dinner and bed time moving back from 9pm and 10.30pm to 7.00pm and 8.30pm respectively for one), making inroads at work, enjoying my cards, jewellery, blog, kitchen and garden once more. More than anything, organizing my house which looks like a tornado hit it. Thankfully the doctor has given me a note to take one week off work and my manager is happy with that. So I am going to rest for a few days and learn to savour the small things I have missed (keeping water down, being able to walk without feeling dopey, enjoying fruit), just enjoy not being severely nauseous and most of all thank Allah (SWT). One of the things that got me through this period has been Allah’s promise that:

“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him.
Allah will grant after hardship, ease.” ~ Al- Quran 65:7

“Surely with every difficulty there is relief.
Surely with every difficulty there is relief.” ~ Al- Quran 94:5-6

So I am back to being a mum-of-three and it looks like it will stay that way. I am never, ever getting pregnant, I could not stomach feeling like this again and now I have every reason not to ever feel guilty about this decision…although I will miss holding a tiny new one in my arms one more time. I suppose I will just have to coddle Gorgeous like crazy.

“When Allah has previously decreed for a servant a rank which he has not attained by his action, he afflicts him in his body, or his property or his children.”~ Abu Dawud

”There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that there is decreed for him by Allah (something) good or his sins are obliterated.” ~ Sahih Muslim


  1. Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh dear sister,

    I had no idea you were going through an illness, May Allah make it purification for you, Ameen. Glad to hear you are feeling better now sis, take it easy during your time off from work, dont overwork yourself, just rest, rest , rest InshaAllah.
    Take care and lots of love

  2. Assalamu alaykum sister,

    check your email!

  3. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    So sorry to hear of your illness sis. May Allah give you a quick and complete recovery.

    BTW, I love those cards ma sha Allah!

  4. Ummi Sumayyah03 May, 2009

    ASA Sister,

    I'm glad that you did get a correct diagnosis in time and alhamdulillah are recovering. Take it easy and slow.


  5. Assalaamu Alaikum,

    Sorry didn't know you had been so ill! Good to hear it was something that could be corrected Alhamdulillah!

    May Allah t'Ala speed up your recovery :-)

  6. Assalm,

    So Sorry to read about your ilness.Alhamdulillah,you are fine now.please take care of yourself.

  7. Aslamu alakum sister
    i am sorry to read you have been through all this , Allah Al Must'aan alhamduilah you are on the road to recovery, i am sorry no child was there for you to hold in your arms but inshaallah may there be more healthly pregnacys to come ameen.
    I did note the decline in your usual buzzing post :(
    What a horrid illness, putting you through all that but yes after the hardship will come the ease and thats allah's promise to us sister hugs xxxxxx your in my duas as is your Mil and family !

  8. Assalam-alaikam,

    thank you to all of the sisters that have commented for your kind words and dua's, and the hugs.

    I feel miles better and I am starting to get back into the swing of things thankfully.

    I do turn into a bit of a baby when I am ill, but this illness really taught me that Allah SWT is true to his promise of ease after hardship.

  9. Assalamu alaykum sister just reading your post now. Sorry to read you were not well. La bas tahooran insh'Allah. May Allah purify you and make it a means for you to enter Jannah.Amin.
    duas and virtual hugs ((()))
    wa alaykum assalam