I have been down in the dumps recently. I didn't want to write, I didn't want to blog, I didn't even really see the point of getting up in the morning. I felt like a hypocrite for calling this blog Happy Muslim Mama because for some days I haven't been. I was scared I was falling into depression, where nothing mattered and I couldn't rouse myself to do anything.
I have been worrying about the baby as she hasn't been gaining enough weight and the health visitor has referred me to the doctor who is now monitoring her weight. After successfully nursing four children (including Darling for 14 months), I don't seem to be able to get it right with number five. It was starting to feel as if everyone was looking at me as if I am starving my baby.
I've also been worrying about money as hubby's work is very quiet at the moment. These two things seem to have set me off, so that all the little things that I can ignore are now really upsetting me. The state of the house which really needs refurbishing, being much less mobile with two babies, not being able to do all those projects I had thought up for myself.
Worse than all of these is my hyper-sensitivity to other people - I have been taking slight at things I usually ignore and getting angry at everyone.
I love my sisters, but none of them seem to deal with the same things, so although they are good to talk to, they don't always understand. (writing that is making me wonder about all of the things that they must deal with that I don't understand)
I love my parents with all my heart, but boy can they push my buttons sometimes and send me into a tizzy of hurt and angry tears.
I adore hubby, he is my rock and my safe place alhamdulillah, but I think he sometimes doesn't get what on earth I am on about (I don't think there is a word in Urdu for burnout). It's at times like these that our cultural differences become very apparent. Plus I've come to realise how intensely we can affect each others moods and mental states, my being down has been bad for him too, even more reason for me to get my mojo back.
So it's at times like this when I sit in the bathroom and sob quietly so that the kids can't see me, when I beg in my prayers for peace, but don't actually know what's wrong. It's at times like this when I berate myself for being so down and call myself lazy and ungrateful and the term "first world problems" comes to mind.
At's at times like these when I start to feel as if I am dealing with it all alone, that my best friend reminds me I am not. If anyone has been through everything I have and more, it is my crazy, loud mouthed, big-hearted best friend.
It took a few minutes of messaging, then talking with her for the black cloud to start to lift - some acknowledgement and understanding, some talking until we got to the heart of the matter and permission from her to take care of myself, stop trying to do things all the time and to put away our mutual old friend - guilt.
Simply the act of deferring everything on my various physical and mental to do lists for the entire weekend and clearing them from my mind and treating myself and the kids to a nice meal (putting aside the guilt of spending money unnecessarily or eating unhealthy food) has had a massive impact.
Things are starting to fall back in perspective and I'm surprised at how much I let things get to me. I realised also that it was one of my occasional "blue periods" as I have come to call them. I am generally upbeat and happiness is my default mood, so any time I am not happy I have to find a way to get back to my default. But I think like many happy people, every now and again I fall into a time when I am down where resentments and anxieties come through to be dealt with.
Bestie also reminded me of the benefit of building a relationship with Allah (SWT) through reconnecting with his Word and turning to the Quran when you need guidance. Truly the best advice that she could have given me.
So to my best friend...dear sis you made all the difference just when I needed you, I hope I am never without your craziness and knowing that at least one person 100% has my back.
If there is one person I would want to be a mischievous old lady with, I know who it is!