Wednesday 10 November 2010

Bringing Back Focus

It’s been a while since I have posted properly and today after I was looking at some old blog posts I realised how lazy I have become recently. My first reaction was to think okay I need to start blogging properly. My second thought was to reflect on where this change has come from. I usually have periods of mad activity where I get through lots of different tasks and then I have lulls where I am disinclined to do anything.

This time is different though. I have seen a change in the way I think and approach the world and my work in it. Ramadan this year brought a wonderful opportunity for me to take a break from life and focus on my worship and on why I am here. I took most of the month of work and was lucky enough to have some really good people around me (and my husband) at that time. I came to the end of that blessed month with a new perspective on life. I realised that I could not look to the future as the time when I would reform myself, spend more time in prayer or prepare for the next life. I realised that no-one is promised the future to repent for the wrong things they have done or to make amends. The time to do those things has to be now insh’Allah.

I have cut back on my internet use to one hour per day. I am putting my etsy shop on hold until a time when I have free time to add items (which takes longer than actually making them sometimes!). I have stopped applying for jobs as I am fairly happy in my current role. The authority’s need to save huge amounts of money means that the service improvement/re-design team I work with has come in for massive demand from services. To be honest, the fact that I still have work in this climate is enough for me to be grateful about – things are looking very bad for a lot of colleagues. I aim to cut down to working four days in the new financial year (I have used most of my leave for this year, so would have to pay some back) and have mentioned this to my manager. Every day I am at work, I ask myself, when I look back at my life what will I have to show for it? Who will look at my life and sat “she did an excellent job in the office”?

Every time I start to do something – crafting, writing, blogging, surfing the net, I ask myself, what is the best way I could be using this time. The answer comes back – worship, remembrance, serving and enjoying my family, taking care of my home and trying to increase my knowledge of my faith. So much as I want to blog, I have stopped feeling guilty about the fact that I post less and do less. I don’t feel the urge to try and achieve and do so much all of the time. At the end of the day the question sticks out in my mind – “what is the worth of what you are doing?” What benefit will this task or action bring on the day when the actions and deeds you have accumulated really matter?

1 comment:

  1. slm alkm sister,

    It's nice to read such an honest post now and again. It's refreshing to know that I'm not the only one struggling to achieve the perfect work/home/religion balance.
    I've always wondered how you had time to blog and read all those books (and review them!)whilst working full time. I've been on a fight-or-fly mode for so long and I'm only working 4 days a week!
    I had a little soul searching during Ramadan and kind of started sorting my life out, roughly as stated in your post (learn to prioritize, what do I want to achieve, time with the kids etc) and although I'm not quite there, the outlook is much brighter. I'm slowly learning to let go.
    BTW, (a belated) Eid Mubarak.