Picture of the Day 18.05.19: Iftar For My Parents

I love having dinner or breaking fast at my mum’s now and again.  Her food is delicious, and I always feel relaxed at her place hanging out with my sisters.  However, as we are currently a family of nine including my in-laws, I have been avoiding it recently knowing it would be too much for her to cook for everyone.  So this weekend I invited her and my sisters to mine for iftar (fast breaking).

I roped the children into helping clean the house and planned the dishes I wanted to make.  I ended up making fruit platters, fruit chaat (spicy fruit salad), chicken samosa’s, potato and chicken spring rolls, baked chicken and channa chaat (chickpea salad), green mint and mango chutney. Then we had lamb curry with fresh roti’s for dinner.

While I prepared food and tidied the kitchen, Harlequin Sister set the food out.  She laid it out nicely, but I do wonder if the blue cloth we lay out for meals spoils the effect. If you look through the blog, it’s in almost every picture of the meals we have shared.  Whenever we take pics, I think it ruins the photo.  But I have had it for nineteen years since I married and moved out of my mum’s home, and she had it for about twenty before then.  My grandfather bought it when he first came here and I vaguely remember it being thrown over a sofa at one point (or am I imagining it?).  IN any case, it has lasted beautifully and is still in good condition despite daily use and regular washes.

We had a pleasant meal (minus a tantrum from Little Man over my not making him rice with the lamb, which has turned into a long sulk). I’s always a pleasure to host my parents, it makes me feel so good.  Its always fun to have my sisters around, conversation is always interesting and playful, Fashionista Sister and my lovely Sister-in-law could not make it and were missed as were their babies. 

Everyone ate and left fairly quickly because the meal was so late and there is the rush to get to taraweeh prayer.  I managed to get though most of the dishes and cleaning, the big pots and baking trays have a date with me in the morning.  I had to have a coffee and a good long sit down with my feet up before I could think about my own taraweeh prayers.

Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 13

The quote for Day 13 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“The moment you accept responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you gain the power to change anything in your life” ~ Maulana Rumi (according to quote in box)

When I think of the words of Maulana Rumi, I think spiritual and sometimes a little abstract or with deeper meanings that are not always immediately obvious.  But this quote is clear and direct with a meaning that leaves you with no misunderstandings.  On doing a Google search, it seems that the quote is from Hal Elrod, author of The Miracle Morning, not Maulana Rumi.  Well that’s not so surprising…

The words challenge the million and one excuses we create to give away our own power:

I can’t afford to

I have no time

I don’t have the confidence

I don’t deserve it

I don’t know how

It’s someone else’s fault

As I get older, more and more in life I realise that the biggest blocker in my life to doing anything I want to is me – my confidence, my courage or my self-belief. And more and more I have come to realise that you don’t have to have courage, or self-belief to take steps towards what you want.  You just have to start – the courage and self-belief will grow as a result.

Even when it comes to other people’s behaviour and treatment of you, you cannot step aside from your own role in the situation you find yourself:

What are you willing to accept from others?

What would really happen if you decided to do your own thing?

What if you let go of the need for approval?

I am currently enrolled in a leadership course at work and one of things that the facilitator come back to often is legitimacy: self-belief and its importance in being a good leader in our life – not just work, but community, family and home.  Easier said than done, but if we could turn the concept of confidence on its head so that we are not confident before we can take a step, but take a step so that our confidence and legitimacy can grow then perhaps we an start to take back our power a little at a time.

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A Little Eruption

As we get to the end of the twelfth fast, I am beginning to find myself getting tired. I am quite sleep deprived and I wonder if perhaps I am eating enough of the right foods.  I am also struggling with managing long hours on my feet in the kitchen, before and after iftar and managing the needs of my in-laws.  Between work and the Ramadan routine we have fallen into, there is very little time to even keep up with housework or reading Quran.

Today I thought I would give myself a break and order takeaway. Except we got to iftar, Little Man went and collected the food and before long there was squabbling over the drinks, Not just the kids either, the grandparents decided they wanted what the kids had.  I couldn’t take it any more. I shouted at them, one minute before iftar, when I should have been making dua.  I have asked for peace during that little window, just so that I can make dua in peace. I don’t think I asked for much.  I took my food and ate with the door shut in my bedroom.

I felt guilty and a little anxious about leaving everyone to it.  I didn’t enjoy my meal, even if I got some quiet.  I did however come to two conclusions:

1. The Ramadan routine is not fixed, if I am finding it all too much, I can change it.  I am thinking less and simpler food and everyone gets exactly the same of everything – they’ll still find something to squabble over, but I won’t be paying for drinks only for them to all start eyeing up the same one.

2. I have always held my tongue with my elders, but my in-laws may need to be given some gentle reminders about what I can manage and that provoking the kids is not helpful to me.  Hubby may also need some slightly less gentle reminders: i.e. if you can eat it in one dish, please don’t use two, unless you want to wash all fifty that seem to have appeared in the kitchen.  The kids may be getting the least gentle reminders if they are not careful, of the “do you want Eid cancelled?” variety.

We have another 17 or 18 fasts to go insh’Allah and I don’t want to spend all of them feeling like a Zombie with marshmallows for brains and a sore back, so I need to make some changes so that the month passes with a little more worship and a little less shouting at kids and the elderly.

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Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 12

The quote for Day 12 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“If a person reads and teaches a hundred thousand books on intellectual and knowledgeable issues but does not act on any of it, it will not benefit him at all…” ~ Imam Ghazali

It’s interesting that this quote comes from a great scholar known for his books and his breadth if knowledge.  To me it speaks of his wisdom and humility to acknowledge that the value in his great learning is in the application.

As someone who loves books and has a bottomless thirst for knowledge of all kinds, this is a useful reminder that it isn’t enough to read and store away, but especially knowledge of Islam exists to guide and to be applied.

Umm Salma (Radhi Allahu anha) said the Messenger of Allah (sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam)  used to say in the supplication in the morning prayer:

‘Allaahumma innee assaluka ilman nafia, wa rizzqan tayyeebun, wa amalan mutaqabilan’

‘O Allah indeed I ask You for beneficial knowledge, and a good Halal provision, and actions which are accepted.’ (Tayalisee, Tabraani)

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Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 11

The quote for Day 11 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“…we only benefitted from the small units of Prayer we did late at night” ~ Imam Abu ‘l-Qasim al-Junayd al-Baghdadi

I couldn’t find much about this quote or its origin or context, i.e. we only benefitted in comparison to what other prayers or deeds? The quote does make me think of the great value of some small deeds – how some small dhikr (remembrances) said with sincerity can wipe away all of our sins.  The value of istaghfar, or sincere repentance.  The reward for each letter of the Quran recited, so that even a little is so beneficial. The impact of the small nawafil prayers with each salah that bring us closer to Allah (SWT).  The night prayer is another such deed: even if a few small rakah or units:

The Prophet (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said: “The Lord descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the night remains and says: ‘Who will call upon Me, that I may answer Him? Who will ask of Me, that I may give him? Who will seek My forgiveness, that I may forgive him?’” (Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim).

Abu Umama al-Bahili (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said, “Hold tight to night prayer, for it was the way of the righteous before you, a way of drawing closer to your Lord, an expiation for wrong deeds, and a shield from sin.” (Tirmidhi)

This is the prayer that perhaps I have had the least opportunity to pray.  And perhaps one that would have endless benefits.  I am so tired from working during the day and standing in the kitchen in the evening, that the night prayer feels very difficult.  In Ramadan, I wake everyone and while they pray a few rakah of tahajjud I make breakfast (chapatti’s at 3am anyone).

A little part of me resents this and I wonder how the reward of looking after others weighs up against the benefits of the night prayer.  Perhaps Allah (SWT) knows that my strength is less in prayer (my concentration is poor) and more in serving others (I have a lot of energy) and has led me to that which is easy for me.  I suppose I can at least make intention for tahajjud before I sleep, who knows, perhaps I will be blessed with it. May Allah (SWT) make this month easy for the ladies of the house and help us get the most benefit out of it.

Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 10

The quote for Day 10 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“Know that true obedience to Allah and true worship of Him involves following the commands and prohibitions of Shari’ah in both words and acts” ~ Imam Ghazali (rahmatullah alai)

Of all the scholars, Imam Ghazali is the one I admire and whose work I pray I get the chance to study.  I am in awe of his intelligence and understanding of the faith. This quote is from his book of advice to his son, written almost a thousand years ago.

This quote makes me think of balance and the middle way.  On the one hand the zealots that will follow the letter of the law without compassion or spirituality. One the other hand the laid back person who fails to act on any of the laws and requirements of Islam, saying that it is what is in the heart that matters.  Neither finding the balance of following the commands and prohibitions of the law of our faith but doing so with love for Allah (SWT) and humanity.

I like that this quote makes it very clear that it is not enough in Islam to say you have faith in your heart and then not make any effort to carry out the actions mandated by the faith.  The least that is expected is that you act on what is in your heart if it is genuine and make what effort you are able to practice the practical elements of the faith.

For each We have appointed a divine law and a traced-out way. Had God willed, He could have made you one community. But that He may try you by that which He has given you. So vie one with another in good works. Unto God you will all return, and He will then inform you of that wherein you differ. ~ Quran, 5:48

My servant approaches Me with nothing more beloved to Me than what I have made obligatory upon him, and My servant keeps drawing nearer to Me with voluntary works until I love him. And when I love him, I am his hearing with which he hears, his sight with which he sees, his hand with which he seizes, and his foot with which he walks. If he asks Me, I will surely give to him, and if he seeks refuge in Me, I will surely protect him (Bukhari)

Fairy Garden for the Girls

The arrival of both spring and my in-laws has inspired me to clean up the garden and get planting.  This is annual affair, where I’m too cold to go in the garden from about October onward, so hubby uses it to store random things and the kids either make a big mess everywhere, or use the trampoline in the rain or snow.  Every spring I wait for a few dry days so I am not picking up mushy leaves and weeds full of slugs and then the big clear up begins: weeding, picking up litter, pestering hubby to clear his tools, bike parts and other things I fail to recognise.

Then I get to do the fun part of trying to bring last years plants back to life, choose lovely new plants and try and squeeze in a few veg.  I look for fun decorations and try and make it as pleasant a space as I can for an early morning breath of fresh air before the household wakes up, or for my mum-in-law to sit outside on warmer evenings.

A fairy garden has been on my bucket list for some time and I only finally just got around to it.  I had kept aside a large flower planter and asked my husband to get me a bag of soil to top it up.

I bought a few small plants that I hope will spread and cover the soil without getting so big that they drown out the fairy garden. The little fuchsia that I think might grow biggest, I have planted at the back. I got the girls to help dig holes and position the plants.

Then the fun part, allowing the girls to place the garden furniture, little house and toad stools.

They love their little garden and I have asked them to look after it, water it without drowning it and keep an eye out for special things like shells or pine cones we can add to it.

Quiet Time and Recovery

Apart from a nasty headache on the first day, Ramadan has been kind so far. I have tried to manage work, housework, cooking, worship and sleep as best I can, with my special coffee time after I clear the kitchen and before taraweeh prayer (accompanied by blogging time of course). Today, Day 9, seems to have caught up with me a little.  I got to about 3pm and my brain turned to fog with nothing making much sense.  I managed to get to four, get home and sleep for an hour before iftar prep.  Usually that does the trick and I am good to go, but barely had I broken fast and prayed Maghrib, that my body decided to do its own thing – sluggishly and in a slight daze.

So I have left the great pile of unwashed dishes we seem to end up with every evening, neatly piled by the sink.  I have got the girls to brush their teeth and let them sleep in their regular clothes.  I have my coffee, my airheaded brain and my laptop and I am ignoring the older kids while they try to take picture of me with the Snapchat app that turns you into a man. 

I’m going to leave the dishes and ignore the kids. I’m going to finish my coffee and then pray slowly.  If I pray a little less today, I’ll do it with the intention that I will allow my body to recover so that I can pace myself better over the coming days insh’Allah

How do readers manage their heath and energy levels in Ramadan?

Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 9

The quote for Day 9 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“The best way to defeat someone is by beating him to it by politeness” ~ Umar Al Farooq (Radi-Allahu anhu)

As my aunt used to tell me, akhlaq (or good character) is not being kind to your friends, that’s easy, but to those that treat you unkindly. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially when the other party has hurt you or humiliated you. 

Of course, you could beat people with politeness in the way my grandmother used to. She had a knack of pulling out old stories at just the right moment to take you down a peg or two. All with love and affection.  I used to watch her do it often with my parents’ friends and was quite impressed with her skill.  I don’t think that is what is meant here though.

Replacing annoyance with politeness is no small act, but I find it doable when you do it for the pleasure of Allah (SWT) and with the intention of dawah.

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Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 8

The quote for Day 8 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“There is nothing heavier in the scales than good character” ~ Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam)

Someone once told me that we should look for character in a person, especially when enquiring for marriage, rather than how religious they are. Iman (faith) fluctuates over time, whereas good character is a constant.  What does good character look like?

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said: Be devout and you will be the most pious of people. Be content and you will be the most grateful of people. Love for people what you love for yourself and you will be a believer. Behave well with your neighbours and you will be a Muslim. Laugh less, for too much laughter will deaden the heart.

One way of judging good character, or akhlaq, is when you are at the receiving end of it.  Every now and again you come across someone who treats you with such respect, compassion and kindness, that whether you consider yourself deserving or not, you feel so good.  I know a few sisters who have this beautiful quality of making others feel valued and valuable and they are truly my role models and women I hope to learn from.

Another aspect that comes to mind, is that with someone of good character, you feel safe. Safe from a sharp tongue or cruel words, from broken promises, from backbiting, from the arrogance of those who look down on others.  You feel safe from the risk of being lied to and of being cheated.

May Allah (SWT) bless us and all of our children with excellent character as a means to be beautiful representatives of Islam and as a means to please Allah (SWT) insh’Allah

“The most beloved of you to Allah is the best of you in character” (Bukhari)

“Truly, the believer can reach, by means of good manners and morals, the degree of one who constantly fasts.” (Abu Dawood)

Aisha reported: The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said: “Verily, the most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character and who are most kind to their families.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2612)

Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said:“The heaviest thing to be placed in the balance of a believing slave on the Day of Judgement will be good behaviour” (Ahmad and Abu Dawood)

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Ramadan Routines, In-Laws and Late-Night Coffee

It has been seven days since Ramadan started, a week of the holy month gone by so very quickly alhamdulillah.  After failing to wake for suhoor on the firsts day and spending the day with a debilitating headache, the rest of the days have gone by fairly comfortably.  Our sleep is broken, our diets are haywire and our bodies are getting used to the new mode of living, but the days and nights feel so very special in our home alhamdulillah.

Suhoor is a simple meal and mostly me in the kids’ rooms, toast in hand, haranguing them to get up.  I then drag them out of bed for dawn prayers and they want to know why no one woke them up for suhoor.

We are still waking up early for school and work, and it is no mean feat at the moment to get up myself, let alone try and get the kids up.  It’s like Zombie nation at 7:30 in this house.

We get through the day and then everyone gets back home telling me how hungry they are and how they still spent a solid hour playing football at lunchtime even though they are fasting.

After work, I make sure I have a short sunnah nap (qaylulah) so that I can concentrate for the night prayer.  Then I get up for prayers, reading Quran and then kitchen duty.  I did say to my husband this year that I have no intention of spending hours in the kitchen making special foods and then being too tired for the night prayers. He, being a sweetheart, fully agreed and said he didn’t expect anything special and we should keep things simple.  Me, being a greedy guts that I am, have been spending ages in the kitchen making lots of dishes and then propping myself up with coffee before the night prayer.

The iftar meal is a delight in our home, my in-laws have just come to stay, so there are nine of us at the table spread and it often feels like a bit of a party.  We sit on the floor on a big cloth and everyone tries a bit of everything.  Then they leg it before I can start getting them to help me and I have to drag the oldest three back to help pick everything up.

After this there is coffee, lovely, soothing, warming, darling coffee. Coffee and blogging.  A perfect combination.  Once I fell rested and my feet have recovered from standing in the kitchen, it is time for prayers.  Unlike previous years I have found the night prayers (taraweeh), easy this year.  My legs can take it and my brain isn’t zoning out every minute alhamdulillah.  I don’t remember enjoying it like this for a long time, and I pray that Allah (SWT) make salah an intense pleasure in my life insh’Allah.

Most people stay up overnight, but because I have work, I get two hours of sleep in before suhoor.  They are honesty the most delicious hours of sleep ever.

My in-laws are here for summer and will be staying for the next five months or so.  Over the twenty years of my marriage they have changed so much from robust, vibrant people, to a frailer and more dependent couple.  I pray that I can care for them, make them feel valued and never let them feel burdensome in any way.  It’s funny, mum-in-law and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but more recently I feel nothing but love and respect for her and we share a deep sense of kinship and friendship now.

I am looking forward to the rest of Ramadan.  I hop it doesn’t go so fast that its over before I make the most of it.  I hope I can take some benefit and good habits that stay for the rest of the year insh’Allah.

Ramadan 2019/1440: Thought of the Day 7

The quote for Day 7 of Ramadan from my box of things to think about is:

“Stick to the truth even if the truth kills you” ~ Umar Al Farooq (Radi-Allahu anhu)

Of course, it takes courage to tell the truth in every circumstance, but I believe that real courage is being completely honest with yourself. To own up to your mistakes, to accept your weaknesses, to turn a spotlight on the stories you tell yourself to feel ok.  These things are so very hard, but something that is essential for me to have any self-respect or to be able to trust myself.

There may be times when I don’t have the courage to speak up or bite my tongue instead of telling the blunt truth, but I have always been adamant that I will tell the truth to myself.  No matter how unsavoury, painful or the consequences.

The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: "When a person tells a lie, the bad smell that comes out of the lie keeps the angels one mile away." (Tirmidhi)

“O ye who believe! stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest ye swerve, and if ye distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.” ~ Quran 4:135